Walter on Parenting Little Children
On Parenting Little Children
December
5, 2004
Dear Paul,
So you would
like me to talk to you about parenting, eh? Well, you might as well ask me to
throw a firecracker into a beehive! I don't know of many topics that get people
as excited and upset as how to raise your kids. I've often wondered why that
is, seeing as how we are quick to think about what is wrong with everyone
else's! For some reason we sure don't like to be told how to do our parenting...
maybe that has something to do with the way we too often find life in our
children.
Of course,
having a few arrows in your quiver is a good thing - a blessing of the Lord.
Some folks have babies just by thinking about it. Others have to work and pray
a little more. But both get them from the same Maker and both should be just as
thankful. Old Adam was commanded by God to have children (Gen 1:28)... and that
was before sin had twisted everything. And what was commanded before the fall
was affirmed after it (Gen 9:1) - husbands and wives ought to try and have
children.
Now, the Lord
never gives anything that He doesn't include the instructions or resources for
- but what I have always found peculiar is just how little he says
about parenting. I recall those early days of our first little olive shoot (Ps
128:3), when we wondered when exactly it was we stopped being children and
started having them! I mean, we searched our Bibles looking for all kinds of
answers to all kinds of questions. What we found was that the Lord packed the
toolbox just right - not a lot of extras and "specifics," but just the right
amount of what I'd call "principles" to apply in every age and in every place.
The trouble with being a mom and dad, however, is that life gets so busy you
want the specific answers to specific problems without having to figure your
own way there! But most things worth having are worth working for - and that's
the truth with parenting.
I think the
first thing to get squared away is that the Bible teaches that sweet little
innocent is guilty. Every son of Adam and daughter of Eve is born a sinner and
quickly confirms it! Like the Apostle said, "We were all by nature children of
wrath" (Eph 2:4). Now, until a mommy gets that Truth planted square in her head
I don't see how she's ever going to think rightly about that needy little baby
in her arms. I hear lots of folk talk about "conditioning" and "socializing" as
being the source of every little Johnny's troubles - but the best sun and water
won't grow a thing in rocky soil. And every little Johnny or Gustaf or
Manjeep's heart is made out of stone.
Old Solomon
said it this way, "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child..." (Pr
22:15). Now, when it comes to knots, no one can untangle them quite as well as
Mrs. Walter, but the snarled up mess in every little Mary's heart is one
hodgepodge she can't even find the end to! I suppose that's why King Solomon
gave so many warnings to sons to heed their fathers and mothers. "Only a fool
despises his father's instructions..." (Pr 15:5) he said, and "a wise son listens
to his father's rebuke... (Pr 13:1). But boys and girls aren't given to heeding
the way you think they might be - just think about yourself as a kid! That
sinful heart thinks the worst thing that could happen to it is to have all that
foolishness untangled and thrown away. Like a sheep caught in the thicket that
tries to bite the hand that cuts him loose! The silly animal would be a whole
lot better off if it would just stand still and ask the shepherd what to do!
Once a
foolish boy grows into a foolish man, he delivers nothing but "grief and
bitterness" (Pr 17:25 ), "condemnation and beating" (Pr 19:29 ). Many a wayward
son has brought "ruin to his father" (Pr 19:13), and I can't help but wondering
if so much of that might have been avoided had that Papa listened to Solomon.
For as sure
as foolishness is tangled up in the heart, Solomon says there is a way to get
it undone. That way turns a foolish boy into "a wise son that makes
his father glad..." (Pr 10:1). Trouble is , we're so smart now-a-days, we've
decided that way is all backwards, and more than that we've even got
politicians trying to turn Solomon into a criminal! Now, I've talked with
enough parents to know not everyone agrees with me - but their argument is with
the Lord and His Word, not me.
If folly is
all tied up in the heart, and the way of folly leads to death, that can only
mean that the one thing parents had better do is deal with Johnny or Mary's
heart! I've read about those Kimono dragons, that after they lay a few eggs
they'll walk away and forget about them. So much so, that if one of them little
critters happens to hatch when mommy is nearby, he'd better run - 'cause to her
he ain't anything but dinner! It seems to me some parents are like that with
their kids. They may get all fancy about it and talk about "letting their child
explore" and "not setting any limits," but Solomon says, "a child left to
himself will bring shame to his mother" (Pr 29:15). Knots don't untie
themselves, and sinful hearts don't fix themselves. That's why God gave
children moms and dads - to be his instrument to change what's broke.
Would it
surprise you if I suggested a child's bottom was attached to his heart? Well,
it surprised me for sure when I read it, but hear wise old Solomon again:
Pr. 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a
child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
I recall my
daddy singing a song about the "neck-bone connected to the head-bone" and such.
Well, it seems the Lord made another connection - and not one any x-ray or
autopsy can reveal! He says, "The heart-bone's connected to the tail-bone!" At
least, that is part of the parenting equation, but it's a part that
not too many people care to believe anymore and I think our country is the
worse for it!
Some
well-meaning folk say that you'll only strike your child if you hate him.
Solomon said the very opposite!
13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he
who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
Few things
irk me more than people taking half a truth and mixing it up with their own
supposed logic. Let me just point out that the Bible does not say, "Spare the
rod, spoil the child" but "spare the rod... hate the child."
Now that there is a world of difference! Sparing the rod is not giving too much
love - its giving no love at all! Notice the second part of that verse again:
"he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." Occasional physical
chastisement of a little child is an act of love!
Now right
away we need to be clear what we are talking about! Some people use the word
"spanking" to describe little more than angry parents beating up little kids.
That, my friends, at least in my opinion, is nothing short of child abuse - not
godly chastisement. O, I am sure I don't need to take the time to remind you of
all the places in the Bible that talk about anger and how it must be put to
death (Col. 3:8) and never be combined with sin (Eph 4:26-27). An angry or
embarrassed or frustrated or vengeful parent has no business laying a finger on
the child he loves. Far from it! Not even your worst cow deserves to be dealt
with in your anger - let alone your flesh and blood.
I've talked
to a few parents who said, "I can't chastise my son, since I can't control my
anger." Well, you don't see those little scrub cedars poking their head out of
the ground and saying, "The other trees are too big and there is no room for me
to grow so I will just sit here." No, they do something about it and wiggle and
stretch and make a way to get to the light. If a man has a problem with anger,
that's no reason to not do other things God commands him to do! Far from it. He
needs to deal with his anger - then love his kids!
The
Scriptures are clear - sometimes we need to sting the bottom of little Johnny
if we are going to unravel the tangled mess of foolishness in his heart.
Pr 19:18 Discipline your son, for there is
hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.
There is a
certain faith a parent must have to follow the Lord's commands here. But it is
a vital one... not an optional one. The Lord says that choosing to not lovingly
strike your sweet child is as good as signing his death certificate. That may
sound harsh, but I can't see what else Solomon meant there. No discipline means
setting your heart on his death! He affirms this later on:
Pr 23:13 Do not withhold discipline from a
child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. 14
If you strike
him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol .
"Better a
tanned hide than an eternal hell," said the old farmer. It may have been crude,
but it makes the point - a little suffering here to get you on the path of life
and obedience is well worth it.
Now it ought
not surprise us that worldly wisdom would come to the exact opposite conclusion
on this matter. I read all kinds of things in the lobby of our local hospital
that says striking my boys will make them violent and aggressive. Well, pardon
me. But whoever wrote that bit of hoogly either didn't have boys or has their
head in the sand! I'm all for polite and respectful boys... but they ain't ever
going to get there unless they learn what a boundary is. And they sure won't
learn what a boundary is unless something with a sting happens when they cross
it. When I was a boy, we used to try and cut through Jake Lennips place to get
to school... only Old Lennips land was posted: No Trespassing. We thought nothing
of it, until the day he came at us with a shot gun full of rock salt. 40
minutes of picking that out of your backside and you think twice about the
short cut next time! I'm sure you couldn't get away with that now' a-days, but
the principle holds true - children need to learn boundaries. No touch, come
here, stop - these are words that need to be obeyed the first time mom or dad
says them. When they're not, its time for chastisement - but keep the salt on
your driveway!
Now, one
mistake some Christians I've known have made is getting all over that
chastising part but forgetting the other part, that I'll call "admonishment."
Even Solomon was quite clear:
29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a
child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Some fathers
rule with an iron fist and by the time their kids get big enough and iron
enough to fight back - they do! Parents need to remember that children need to
be taught more than they need to be chastised . In fact, I'm
of the opinion that the reason we chastise is so that we can gain the
attention of the heart. That's what I meant earlier about the backside and the
heart being connected. I don't know how many times I'd be talking to my little
ones and they'd be looking at me like I was speaking Chinese underwater. They
could care less. I see mom's like this every time I drive into town and go to
Wal -mart. "Johnny come here please. Johnny you come here right now. Johnny,
you need to come with mommy now. Okay Johnny, we are leaving. Johnny come
here." Lots of repeating and lots of threatening and lots of Johnny paying as
much attention to mommy as a teenager to Russian politics.
Now, calmly
take Johnny aside, in private and explain what he did wrong then let the rod do
its talking and you know what... suddenly Johnny is listening! Oh, I know it
isn't always as perfect as that and the trip to the "place of punishment" may
have to happen more than thrice... but eventually Johnny is going to learn.
Like Solomon
said:
Pr 29:19 By mere words a servant is not
disciplined, for though he understands, he will not respond.
Your kids
aren't your slaves, but the principle holds true. The parent is the authority
and he is called by God to exercise that authority. Mere words to a 2 year old
will get you a terrible two year old - and that is nothing to be proud of!
So, put it
all together and it looks something like this. Our kids are born sinners with
folly bound up in knots in their heart. Parents are to use physical
chastisement and verbal instruction to show their children the foolishness of
their attitudes and actions. The hope is that eventually that little one will
grow up to be a fine young woman or man.
Pr 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will
give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
I have too
many friends with rotten grown-up kids in their lives. And not a few of them
are in that situation because they did not love their child the way God says to
when they were young.
Now, I've
talked with enough folk up here to know at least a few of the objections and
excuses people use to not follow this model. Lots of people think that there is
something unique about their kid that makes them an exception to the rule.
Funny, but I don't see any exceptions in the writings of the wisest man on
earth. You'd think he'd of thought of that if it were so!
Others say
they just can't do it - it just seems to be unloving to them. One friend of
mine said this because he'd grown up in a home where there was plenty of abuse
- physical and emotional. He vowed his son's life would be different - and I
thank the Lord for that. But there's not much point swinging an open gate all
the way through to the other side if you're trying to keep your pigs in the
pen. Some folks swing the pendulum so far they make mistakes just as bad on the
other side as the one's they were trying to avoid on the first side. Stick with
God, is what I say. If he tells us this is the way to do it, then we'd best
follow his advice. Being the one who made us I reckon he knows a thing or two
about how we work!
Others don't
use the rod and reproof because they are just lazy. Oh, they may have other
names for it, but in their hearts they know it's because they love their
comfort more than their child. I can't say I have a lot of respect for parents
like that. You don't grow vegetables without weeding your garden and you can't
grow kids without untangling their hearts. That takes work - thinking, praying,
being interrupted, teaching the same lesson over and over again, coming up with
new ways to say old things, being sinned against, dealing with your own sin,
and on and on! Okay, so it takes work. I say, if you can't do the work then
don't have the kids. If God blesses you with the kids, then get your act
together.
Others say
they won't rod and reproof because all that stuff comes from the Old Testament
and the message of the New Testament is all lovey dovey . Well, hello! Have you
not read Ephesians?
6:1 Children, obey your parents in the
Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honour your father and mother"
(this is the first commandment with a promise), 3
"that it may
go well with you and that you may live long in the land." 4
Fathers, do
not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and
instruction of the Lord.
If God
commands children to obey parents, then parents had better love that child
enough to help them obey. And what is "discipline and instruction" if it is not
"the rod and reproof?" No, the Old Testament and New Testament live quite
happily with each other in this matter.
Of course,
part of the reason for all this is that our children need to be evangelized
- and who better to preach the gospel to them than their parents? When a
child disobeys, he needs to be told that is sin and that sin deserves death.
One friend of mind once took his son into the back room and chastised him for
an obvious offence. He then opened up Isaiah 53 and read this to his boy:
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions; he
was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us
peace, and with his stripes we are healed. 6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we
have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity
of us all.
This father
looked to his son and said something like this: "Son, your sin deserves to be
punished by death. This one sin is enough to condemn you to hell! But Jesus
died for sinners like you and He took the punishment for all of the sins of all
his people. Your only hope to go to heaven son is to trust in Jesus! You can
never pay for your sin... this chastisement I gave you is nothing compared to the
wrath of God reserved for sinners. The very wrath that Jesus took on Himself
for all who have faith in Him."
Now there is
some good gospel preaching - the kind every child ought to hear!
The fact is,
what our kids do reveals what are kids are (Pr 20:11 ).
Jealousy, envy, greed and anger are not cute - they are sins. And they need to
be dealt with as sins as soon as possible in our kids. Jesus said all these
rotten things come out of our child's heart and therefore we need to get at that
heart with the Truth so real change can take place.
Now, there is
a lot of hope for parents who follow God's plan.
Pr 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even
when he is old he will not depart from it.
I've heard
lots of nonsense about this verse, but let me just say this is a basic promise
that if we do what we are told to do as parents then more than likely
our children are going to live decent lives. Nowhere in the Bible is there a
salvation equation, such as " if you do this, then this
person will be saved." But the Lord does promise that it won't be a waste of
time to follow his instructions.
Now let me be
very practical for a few minutes.
First off,
notice that all the commands for the rod are addressed to the parent of
the child. I don't see any need or place for uncles, siblings, friends or
authorities to be administering chastisement of this kind. That's mom and dad's
job and nobody else's.
Second, in
the margin of my Bible I read this:
Pr
13:24 Whoever spares
the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. [1] Or who loves him disciplines him early
It seems to
me that the time for the rod is early on in life and should probably be over
with sometime between 6-7 years old. If mom and dad set the standard early with
Johnny he will get the hang of things. Some parents get this loopy idea that
they need to wait until Johnny gets older to start with the rod. I wonder
sometimes how people think! Get it going early and you'll be done sooner -
that's great for everybody!
Third, what
makes Christian parenting so different from the world is that our goal is not
to make our kids into something (like little Pharisee's) but to point
our kids to Christ. Sure there are lots of parents who spank their kids - but
most often it's because they are angry or they want their kids to be a certain
way. Christian parents lovingly chastise to warn their children of the way of
death and to woo them to the path of life. If we aren't seeing that in our
chastising, maybe we had best lay off until we can get our heads screwed on
straight.
Fourth, you
can't reason with a terrorist - he is committed to his cause and willing to die
for it. Reason with a toddler and all you'll end up getting is a headache and
one day, a selfish, rude, self-centered teenager. The Biblical pattern is
chronological. First establish obedience, and then slowly begin to teach
discussion and reasoning. Reason with a little child and you will have to use
little child logic... in other words, you'll have to bind your heart up
with foolishness too! Reasoning parents are doing more to train their children
how to manipulate and bribe than they are teaching them how to obey their
Maker.
Fifth, I say
remember wise Moses who instructed the Israelites to be God-gossipers all day
long. You read Deuteronomy 6 and one thing is clear - parents were to talk
about God and what God had done for them every chance they could get with their
kids. That's a little like the lady down our road who manages to turn every
conversation to
Sixth, make
it your goal to help your child live the way a Christian should - even if he is
not a Christian yet. Why? Because that is the way God wants all people to live,
and like I said before... when little Mary does not live that way, you can now
point her to the only one who can save her from being eternally punished for
her sins. Jesus!
Finally, when
it comes to physical chastisement, remember that God designed only one part of
the body to be struck. A slap to the side of the head is just being a bully and
I'll have to confess I've had more than one evil thought towards a man that
uses his strength to beat up on his kids. It always helped me to keep my goal
gaining the attention of the heart through the bottom. That'll guide you as to
how hard to strike and how many times. All we want as parents is the attention
of the heart. If mom or dad ever thinks they are going to pay back a child for
what they did - they've got it all wrong. Best to walk away and forget the
chastisement unless our goals are pure and right.
Well, I might
need to write more on this topic later, but this will have to do for now. I am
sure I've given you enough things to talk about for a while now!
Perhaps I'll
close by noting one more thing:
Pr
3:11 My
son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof, 12
for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom
he delights.
If God loves
us enough to discipline us, then I am quite sure we can learn to love our
little kids the same.
The Lord
bless you all!
Walter